The Wizard of Dr. Oz

Health fads have been around for a very long time. Science tells us that, as early man stepped out of the Pleistocene, tools in hand, he noticed that he was fat and started something called the Caveman diet. Forsaking all forms of processed foods, caveman could only eat turkeys, dinosaurs, and I suppose various types of dirt. While the caveman diet certainly isn't the most thrilling thing for your palate, it does help you get lean. And getting lean means getting with the cave-ladies, which we all know looked exactly like Raquel Welch and Martine Beswick in the film One Million Years B.C.

As humanity moves into 2012, health fads have become less about merely changing the physical aspects of a person, but now must reshape the entire human structure. And let me tell you, reshaping the entire human structure requires not only complete dedication on the part of the reshapee, but a master reshaper must be at the helm of this reshaping ship, navigating the reshapee toward the ultimate destination of reshapiness. It just so happens that there is such a person capable of changing us in ways Nietzsche couldn't, but Mitt Romney might (if he prays about it) -- and that person is none other than Dr. Oz.

Many of you may know Dr. Oz from Oprah's show that will run in syndication long after an asteroid destroys all life on this planet. Together, Oprah, Dr. Oz., and another Oprah staple of pithy advice giving, Dr. Phil, make up the second most listened to trio just behind the Mormon Godhead, but still in front of the Catholic Holy Trinity by quite a wide margin.

In the latest edition of Oprah's magazine (a magazine! What's next, her own network?), Dr. Oz explains his 28-day program that will reshape your entire persona down to the cellular level. Here are his top three suggestions:

Look Before You Flush

Dr. Oz says that seeing a double rainbow in your stool isn't a good thing no matter how many times you watched that YouTube video. I won't go into all of the gory details here, but know that if you see any color other than what Crayola describes as "shit brown", you are dying. Consult your doctor if your toilet looks like a painter's palette.

Spread Kindness

It's obvious that being kind to others has it's advantages, although I wouldn't know because I'm the president and only member of the Salt Lake chapter of Misanthropes United. Regardless, Dr. Oz claims that simple actions, such as helping a stranger with directions, holding the elevator doors, and, a Utah favorite, baking a pie for your neighbor, are the leading cures of terminal cancer and getting into heaven.

Practice Saying No

Now that you've helped all those thankless strangers, kick yourself in the face because you didn't say no to them. Dr. Oz says that doing things for yourself is an important way to relieve the chronic stress caused by helping others. So next time that meth addict tells you that he ran out of gas in the Smith's parking lot and only needs two dollars to get back to Idaho, you can tell him to eat your off-color stool.

Welch and Beswick, making it so very hard
for adolescent males to finish their
homework in 1966.