My Resolutions

2012 is upon us. It's resolution time, people! Here are a few of mine:

1) Don't be such a dick

I like this resolution because the word "such" is a qualifier which enables me to still be a dick if the situation calls for it. You may be wondering how this is different from what I do now, which is be a constant dick to everybody, so I'll explain it since you're so stupid. Here's an example: normally, when someone does something stupid, and I'm able to witness it, I'll tell them that what they've just done was stupid. Most people think that sort of behavior is dick-ish or dick-like or maybe even dick-esque, but I figure that most rational people wouldn't want to repeat their same stupid mistakes, so telling them just how stupid they are can only be helpful. But that's the old me -- the 2011 me. The new me won't be such a dick directly to people. Now, when someone does something stupid, I'll wait until I get home and blog about it.

2) Stop being so awesome

If there's one thing you need to know about me, it's that I'm awesome. But, as none of you are aware, being awesome makes everyone else feel bad about themselves (as you are aware). So for all you losers out there that want a hug and a trophy because you merely finished the race, well, I'm here to at least give you a trophy because hugging sweaty people is gross. In other words, I'm dialing down the awesomeness from Winona Ryder-levels to maybe Christian Slater-levels and quite possibly even Shannen Doherty-levels of awesomeness just so you'll feel better about yourselves. You're welcome.

3) Stop judging people

When I say "stop judging people" I mean that I'll stop making unqualified generalizations regarding specific situations. For example, the old me would read a news article about a religious leader that commanded his married followers to stop having sex until said religious leader was released from prison, and judge that both the leader and the followers were equally batshit crazy. The new me looks at that same situation and judges that, while both parties are still batshit crazy, the religious leader's level of craziness is actually far batshittier than the batshittiness of the followers. See the difference?

Happy New Year or whatever.

Level 3 awesomeness (level 1 being the highest).