Who Gives a Shit?

As many of you may have heard, Nasa's Kepler telescope discovered two new "Earth-sized planets" earlier this week, much to Earth's chagrin. As far as I can tell, scientists are awkwardly and stereotypically missing high-fives throughout the world's observatories, and the rest of humanity is packing their bags for either one of these two new planets. With the startling amount of news coverage these planets are earning, you'd think that traveling to them and making them our new home would be as easy as traveling to your nearby McDonald's for dinner, but we all know that's not the case. Trips to McDonald's always end with either guilt, diarrhea, or both simultaneously. Trips to space, in this case, to either one of the two new planets, is a task so difficult Tom Cruise couldn't do it even if both Mission: Impossible and Scientology were at all real.

As I watch NBC's Brian Williams discuss the matter, I can't help but wonder why I should give a shit. According to Williams, the surface temperature on these new planets ranges from 800 - 1400 degrees Fahrenheit. On top of being as hot as the slice of pizza I just took a huge bite of, it would take over a million years to travel there. And of course, there's always the small problem of having to fly through fucking space to get there. Regardless of these silly obstacles, Williams concludes his report by saying, "It's nice to know they're out there." I think Brian Williams still wears unicorn Underoos.

I can see why so many people are chomping at the bit: the possibility of a new planet -- a fresh planet. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could pack up the spaceship with just the essentials and go to a place with clean air and water? A place where elbow room, scenery, and stuff that's not human is the moral equivalent of the dollar? A place where there's no need for a fictional character like George Hayduke (or a real one like Tim DeChristopher)? Unfortunately, that's not reality. Reality is a spaceship full of plastic bottles, SUVs, and Affliction T-shirts minus the spaceship.

Maybe Brian Williams has the right idea... Where are my Spider Man Underoos?

"Wherever you go, there you are."