First off, Buttars solicited Abandoned Shopping Cart and promised an interview only if I promised to ask him every difficult and uncomfortable question that I could think of. He said that he'd walk out of the interview if he felt at all like I was "Larry Kinging" him, which must be a reference to inappropriately touching his genitalia. I told Mr. Buttars that I wouldn't "Larry King" him, but that I might be so bold as to "Piers Morgan" him, or even give him something more age-appropriate like a "Phil Donahue" or possibly even a "Dick Cavett." Anyway, with all the question-type details worked out, we now only needed to agree on the location. Buttars suggested the Salt Lake Temple, but I declined because I thought it was too far of a drive (among other reasons) so he ended up making other suggestions such as "YouTube" or perhaps even a new place he'd heard of called "Facebook." I explained that those are locations on the Internet, but he brushed me off saying that he "didn't believe in that voodoo stuff." We finally agreed to conduct the interview in the back of a limo parked behind the Villa Theater, sorry, I mean Adib's Rug Gallery, but that I would be referred to only as "Christine" for the duration of the interview.
Abandoned Shopping Cart: Again, thanks for the interview. My readers can really appreciate someone that wants to set the record straight.
Chris Buttars: Straight's the only way I play it.
ASC: So I've heard. I'm surprised that you wanted to do another interview given the Reed Cowan debacle in 2009.
CB: Who the f*** is Reed Cowan?
ASC: We'll return to that topic later. Let's start at the end, if you will. You recently retired from the Utah Senate before your third term ended. What caused this early retirement from political life?
CB: Well, Christine, I've had terrible health due to diabetes and needed a break.
ASC: A break? That sounds like you'll be returning to political life soon.
CB: Well, yes. Once I get my health back I'll start the fundraising, then hit the campaign trail hoping for a nomination.
ASC: Nomination to what?
CB: Hopefully Stake President, but I'll settle for First or Second Counselor.
ASC: I see. Let's talk about a few of your more outrageous comments. You referenced gays as having something called "pig sex." Could you explain that to me? I'm not as well-versed as you are when it comes to gay culture.
CB: Pig sex is a disgusting act in which one man defecates on another man.
ASC: What's it called when a man defecates on a woman?
CB: "Submitting righteously."
ASC: Interesting. Back in 2008 you referenced SB48s2 saying: "This baby is black, I'll tell you. This is a dark, ugly thing." Many people claimed that description showed your racist tendencies. What's your explanation of the matter?
CB: Well, as I've mentioned countless times before, I didn't mean those comments to be racist. I was merely commenting on the controversial bill and how it would raise property tax to help pay for schools. I couldn't support a bill that would raise taxes. As I'm sure you're aware, the legislators of this state campaign on a lower tax platform and then complain when there's no money to adequately run the state.
ASC: Yes, I'm well aware of that. But don't beat yourself up over it. You're merely echoing the wish-fulfillment of your constituents. Besides, you can always pull money for roads out of the education fund.
CB: Well said! You've gotta bright political future ahead of you. Anyway, Senator Stevenson called the bill an "ugly baby" and I wanted to demonstrate just how ugly and terrible this baby really was so I said that it was black. You know, like Cain from the Bible.
ASC: Right. So the Liberals pegged you as a racist and called for your resignation. You claimed that people were being mean to you and that it felt as if a "lynch mob" was after you.
CB: Exactly. It was all very frustrating since what I was saying wasn't meant to be racist.
ASC: Good to know. At what point did you realize that the "lynch mob" was actually the NAACP?
CB: From the beginning. You see, the NAACP stands for the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, not colored person.
ASC: Yikes. You were scheduled to have a meeting with the NAACP and explain your "black baby" and "lynch mob" comments, but failed to show up saying that you didn't know what to say to "those people."
CB: It's not that I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to say it. Normally, I'd say "I apologize for being a racist" or whatever, but they say it like "I gotta grizza my nizza up into yo' shizza." It takes time to master how they talk, you feel me?
ASC: Oh, boy. Just to reiterate, you used racist language to describe a bill, then used more racist language to describe the people angered by your racism, and then, finally, used even more racist language to describe, of all things, the NAACP. Even in the face of all this apparent racism, you claim that none of it was meant that way?
CB: Word.
ASC: Let's get back to your stance on homosexuality. In 2004, You helped pass Utah Constitutional Amendment 3, which defines marriage as only between a man and a woman. You criticized then mayor Rocky Anderson's domestic partnership executive order and later introduced a counter-bill to Mayor Ralph Becker's domestic partnership registry. You also introduced legislation to stop gay clubs and ban gay-straight alliances in public schools. In the interview with Reed Cowan that we touched on earlier, along with the "pig sex" comment, you stated that the gay community "is the greatest threat to America" and compared the gay community to radical Islam. You also supported California's Proposition 8.
CB: All of that's true. One of my proudest moments came when I witnessed those brave LDS church members picketing Proposition 8 in California with signs that read "God Hates Dead Soldiers," and "God Hates Fag Enablers." And more recently, I've seen some members get quite creative, bless their hearts, with signs that read, "God Killed Elizabeth Taylor" and "You Will Eat Your Babies." Great stuff.
ASC: I think your confusing the LDS Church with the Westboro Baptist Church.
CB: The means might be different but it all has the same end, right?
ASC: Moving on. It's time for the lightning round. I'll say something and then you respond with a brief, single sentence answer. Ready?
CB: Can I use less than one sentence?
ASC: Whatever. Your successor in the Utah Senate, Aaron Osmond.
CB: Great singing voice.
ASC: Your long-time associate from the Utah Eagle Forum, Gayle Ruzicka.
CB: Puppet master.
ASC: Intelligent Design.
CB: President Bush pushed for it so it must be right.
ASC: The Silver Beaver award.
CB: I like beavers of any color.
ASC: No, I mean the Silver Beaver award you received from the Boy Scouts of America.
CB: Same answer.
ASC: The NAACP.
CB: Scary like downtown Los Angeles after dark.
ASC: Brown v. Board of Education.
CB: Still wrong.
ASC: Reed Cowan's disappearing BYU shirt.
CB: Satanic.
ASC: Free health care for life.
CB: Thanks, Utah.
ASC: Obama.
CB: Now that's a black baby!
ASC: Merry Christmas.
CB: Only a Communist would say "Happy Holidays."
ASC: Keith Olbermann.
CB: Worse than Obama.
ASC: "Worse than Obama?" Surely you can't be serious?
CB: Very serious. And don't call me Shirley.
 |
| An artist's recreation of the Chris Buttars Interview minus Chris Buttars. |
No comments:
Post a Comment