Now that you know I'm not trying to brainwash you into joining a new and very hip doomsday cult, you are ready to learn about this week's topic: Hell. Hell is a very interesting concept because its nature largely depends upon what religion is giving the description. The problem of subjectivity is difficult to overcome because no one (no one reliable anyway) has ever gone to Hell and reported back their findings. By the term "no one reliable" I mean war correspondents such as Chris Hedges, Evan Wright, and Edward R. Murrow. Aside from these yellow journalists, Hell is mostly experienced by dead people that have done something wrong while alive or living people that have completely and utterly lost the social lottery (think nearly everyone on the African continent).
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| Social lottery winners Bernie Madoff and what looks to be Meg Ryan closing in on their final destination: Hell. |
For brevity's sake, if we are to consider Hell we must do so from the broadest and most popular view which says that Hell is a really, really bad place that you go to for eternity. Hell will contain people that you know of like Donald Trump, Stephanie Meyer, and Gandhi, as well as many people that you don't, like most of your neighbors, your elected officials, and probably your parents. According to most early theologians Hell is located somewhere beneath the Earth's surface, but based on what I've seen, I think it's a bit closer to the surface (I'm looking at you Hell, Michigan, pop. 266). There are other interesting facts about Hell that I'm sure many of you are unaware of like:
Hell has cheerleaders called Hellcats. These Hellcats root for the various sports teams representing Hell's favorite institution of higher learning: Lancer College. While Lancer isn't poised to become the Ivy League's newest member anytime soon, it is ranked slightly higher in graduation percentage than Faber College, mainly because it took John Belushi so long to earn his degree. Lancer is also ranked higher than the lowly Grand Lakes University where even Rodney Dangerfield can graduate (but Grand Lakes has a much better diving team). Unfortunately, Lancer ranks significantly lower than Pacific Tech because that's where Val Kilmer and Gabriel Jarret developed the world's largest popcorn popper.
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| A five-megawatt laser is better than your microwave at popping popcorn. |
Just like any secular cheer squad, the Hellcats have a motto: "Being here doesn't mean you belong." This motto demonstrates that the people in charge of admittance to the squad are just as competent as the people in charge of our criminal justice system. The motto also inherently promotes hazing because, apparently, you don't belong if you're above a size zero like that porker Ali Michalka who's so fat she can't even hide behind a microphone stand. Gag me with a spoon. I'm not exactly sure who created this motto, but since the Hellcats are found on the CW right after America's Next Top Model, I blame Tyra Banks more than I blame the Devil himself, or even Kaiser Soze.
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| And I was all, "Don't eat that carrot!" And she was all, "Like, I'm hungry!" And I was like, "But you're so fat!" And she was like, "Okay." |
Another interesting fact about Hell is that it has angels. Sure, it sounds like a very disturbing theological contradiction but you can do whatever the hell you want in Hell, or you and your musician buddy can try to defeat Satan in a "rock off" behind a bar. Satan will pay your rent if you win, but may take your buddy as his sex hostage if you lose. Anyway, there are some subtle differences between the more-popular Heaven's angels and the denim-clad Hells Angels. The obvious difference is that the Hells Angels eliminate the apostrophe to make everyone think that I don't know how to write (good one, Satan), but the deprecated apostrophe is really about letting everyone know that there are "many versions and forms of Hell" which you can learn about on their website. Other differences: the Hells Angels might not have Paul Bettany and super-cool angel wings, but they do have cocaine and super-loud motorcycles. In a surprising twist, no matter how hard the Hells Angels try -- or how bad of a job they do covering security at a Stones' concert -- they will never be as scary as the angels God uses to destroy most of the world in Revelations.
Apart from cheerleaders and angels with outstanding warrants, Hell also has something called Devils Tower. This super-cool rock formation is found in northeastern Wyoming and has roughly 400,000 visitors every year including Richard Dreyfuss, space aliens, and, obviously, the Devil. I say "obviously" not because the tower is named after the Devil, but because of the general malaise and confusion that once again surrounds the absent apostrophe in its title. Apparently, Satan's grammarian (best band name ever!) has a second job with the USGS because he's purposefully dropped that handy bit of punctuation from nearly every place name in their registrar. This instance of the deprecated apostrophe coupled with the Hells Angels' aversion to it creates so much grammatical confusion that people begin to use - it's - and - its - interchangeably, and sometimes even - its' - which automatically tells any reader with an I.Q. above a shoe that the writer is a moron.
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| This means something. This is important. |
While it seems perfectly obvious to me that Devils Tower is Satan's favorite national monument, historians dispute that Satan has anything to do with the tower because, as they claim, the name is wrong. In 1875, while Colonel Richard Dodge was speaking with a local Lokata tribe, the interpreter mistakenly said that the tower was called "Bad God" Tower instead of its actual Native-American name "Bear Lodge." But anyone with any sense can see the Devil's handiwork here. Only someone possessed to the point of earning a starring role in the Exorcist would turn the words "Bad God" into "Devil." They either fail to realize that God can't do bad things like support rape, slavery, and murder, or forget the tenets of Greek Mythology that emphasize the idea that Gods can do crazy immoral stuff like commit adultery, have sex with your sister, and release the Kraken, and still remain Gods. One or two bad acts don't make Gods into Devils because if they did, it would be impossible to adequately explain contemporary religions.
Hell has a bunch of other stuff as well like cities in California, the Cayman Islands, and Satan's favorite vacation spot: Norway. Hell also has a kitchen with a chef that's so evil he might take Satan's job. There's a Hellboy; Hell cow; Hell driver. You can find all of the pretty things there. T-shirts are there. Dante and Virgil briefly visited there. Pinhead is there. Samurai vampire bikers are there. Carrie is there. You can be dragged there. Richard was named after it. They serve beer there. You can get invited there. Nymphoid barbarians are there. Hell is on wheels. Hell has its own house. Hell has a mayor. Hell has a night. Hell has gates. The White Stripes want you to catch it. AC/DC want you to drive your cars on it and ring bells there. Pink Floyd wants you to run to it. Yngwie Malmsteen wants to see you in it. Kiss gives you the option of high water. Meatloaf wants to be a bat there. The Clash want you to go straight there. Pat Benatar thinks children belong there. Sometimes you can be hell bent for leather or Hell can come to Frogtown. Don't forget that the Devil is the supreme ruler of Hell so anything the Devil gets Hell does too like: Sympathy; a playground; rejects; a triangle; a violin; eggs; an advocate; a haircut; Prada; his own; and, saving the best for last: food cake. Happy belated Easter!
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| Hell has a motel, too. Wearing a pig's head and wielding a chainsaw help the guests feel at ease before they're dismembered. |
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