Television Takeover

The era of liberal television programming has come to an abrupt end. Left-Wing Political Message Delivery Systems (LWPMDS--pronounced LWPMDS) such as Bill Maher (brash, funny) and Jon Stewart (thoughtful, funny) have been black-bagged and shot in the street like a terrorist, feral cat, or any viewpoint that opposes the Utah Eagle Forum. Even seemingly harmless liberal fare, such as Tina Fey's 30 Rock (too many unmarried women), Brothers and Sisters (too much Sally Field), and the entire HGTV channel (too many designers) has been replaced with more conservative family values programming like All in the Family reruns (racist), new episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter (guns), and the 700 Club (money).

You're probably wondering two things right now: first, who made all of these wonderful changes and, second, how was someone able to wield a sword so mighty? Well, let me take each of these important questions in turn. First, I made all of these wonderful changes, and, second, the Nielsen television ratings people put me in charge when they asked me questions--in a survey--of what I currently watch on television and, if I could make changes, what would they be? I was even paid two dollars to act as a part-time consultant for the work. Here's a small sample of some of the upcoming changes to your airwaves:

Chris Buttars: Tears of a Clown (bio-pic)
Follow the pride and joy of the Utah legislature as he awkwardly deals with the NAACP, Reed Cowan, and what it means to be sentient. Watch as he models the precise language of his proposals around the idea that, given enough time, a monkey will accidentally type the complete works of Shakespeare. Fascinating!

Charlie's Angels (Drama)
The original 1976 series featured three female private investigators using their unique talents to solve cases for the Charles Townsend Agency. These 'unique talents' include wearing tight pants, not wearing a bra, and ensuring that every male from the ages of 10 up to 90 would be in front of a television whenever the show aired. The old show was a hit and this re-boot will be, too. I've replaced Kate Jackson, Jaclyn Smith, and Farrah Fawcett-Majors (for a number of reasons) with the best of what the conservative right has to offer: Ann Coulter, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, and Sarah Palin. The new angels are up to their old tricks like solving crimes and convincing the majority of Americans that Obama is either a fundamentalist Muslim, a fundamentalist Mormon, or a fundamentalist Muggle. Logic and reason take a backseat to ignorance and appeals to fear as our angels battle a new villain named 'Sudoku.' One more casting change to make note of: the late John Forsythe played the mysterious and never-seen title character who always gave his angels investigative instruction via speaker-phone. Given Charlie's love of secrecy, the obvious choice to take over Forsythe's role goes to Representative John Dougall (R-American Fork).

Two and a Half Men (Situation Comedy)
The lovable but stern Rush Limbaugh takes over for Charlie Sheen on CBS' highest rated show. Limbaugh maintains coherence with his predecessor through his addiction to OxyContin and Hydrocodone, but still brings a conservative grounding in family values because those drugs are legal. But that's where the coherence ends: given that Limbaugh is significantly heavier than Sheen, the show is now called Three Men.

The Running Man (Reality)
This 1987 Paul Michael Glaser film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Richard Dawson, and Jesse Ventura, takes place in a dystopian 2017 in which America has become a police state with a dead economy. Schwarzenegger's Ben Richards, guilty of a crime he didn't commit, inadvertently gets put into a game show in which the contestants must evade killers with outlandish nicknames to earn a pardon. Richard Dawson's Damon Killian is the tyrannical game show host that will stop at nothing to have Richards killed on live television for the ratings. Obvious dualism raises its ugly head as good battles evil, but the new version offers an update for 2011: instead of Schwarzenegger evading murderers in the 'gamezone,' it will be Utah Governor Gary Herbert running from angry voters in Temple Square. Spoiler alert! Schwarzenegger triumphs by stuffing Killian into a rocket sled and firing him into a billboard. Life imitates art as the same thing happens to Herbert's re-election bid.

And finally:

Dallas (Drama)
Bill O'Reilly takes up the role of J.R. Ewing that Larry Hagman made famous in this look at a Texas oil family. All of the themes from the original series are back including: insanity; domestic violence; angels; incest; unethical business practices; alcoholism; attempted murder; time bombs; demons; double homicide; illegitimate children; attempted murder (again); miscarriages; arson; vehicular homicide; visions; overdosing; the existence of an afterlife; and finally, rodeo injuries. This program will exemplify all that's right and good about America's dependence on oil, conservative family values, and unregulated capitalism. Unfortunately, this is one dream sequence we can't wake up from.

Ann Coulter is taking aim at your senses in the Charlie's Angels re-boot.