Celebrity

The top news story right now is the developing disasters in Japan: the Tyson-like one-two punch of the fifth most-powerful earthquake ever recorded and a tsunami. If getting face-raped by Iron Mike isn't enough, there are serious fears of nuclear meltdowns at four separate reactors which will certainly result in more than the machine-gunning death of Jack Lemmon. The only thing Japan has left to face would be a timely monster battle between Battra, Ghidorah, Rodan, Moguera, Baragon, and Godzilla in downtown Tokyo. Every media agency is reporting these terrible events as they unfold in real-time on whatever television I happen to be watching. But even amidst all this horror and tragedy, occasionally a story breaks that requires these media agencies to move away from this coverage for something more important, like Mel Gibson's legal troubles, a sick American Idol, or the new and different ways that Charlie Sheen can use 'winner' and 'troll' in a sentence.

It seems as though America, generally speaking, is a bit obsessed with everything celebrity. For whatever reason, we like to know what these people are doing and that they can be, at times, just like you and I: Natalie Portman is drinking coffee; Robert De Niro is talking on a cell phone; Julianne Moore is riding in an elevator; Snooki is wearing her underwear on top of her dress. The mundane stuff they do fascinates us just as much as the crazy stuff, and the mass media reports it all, whether some of us want the information or not.

While it's quite obvious that we're curious about celebrities (just like we're curious about zoo animals) it's not so obvious how each celebrity attains a different level of status or fame than another--or how some obtain any status at all. Journalist James Ulmer famously developed the objective methodology of celebrity taxonomy by giving a number rating to each celebrity based on a specific criteria such as bankability (are they pretty?), willingness to travel and promote (are they a pain in the ass?), career management (do they have a good agent?), professionalism (will they jump on Oprah's couch?), and acting talent and acting range (should they even be in the business?). Depending on the aggregate number, a celebrity can then be placed in the A-list, B-list, or the C-list. The D-List is only for Kathy Griffin.

Unfortunately, Unger's model only seems to work for traditional film and television actors, and thereby ignores the niche of has-beens, the talentless, and the one-hit wonders that relentlessly occupy every story on E! News Now. It also neglects the actors--no, thespians--of reality TV that are short on talent and intelligence, long on youth and beauty, and even longer on having a rich or famous relative. Besides being pretty or having a wealthy family member, it turns out that there are other ways to become a celebrity. I have extensively researched these ways and have decided that becoming a celebrity is the next logical step in my life. Here's my plan:

1) Make a sex tape.

Since I lack the characteristics mentioned above, I must do something else to get noticed. I've asked my wife if she would be a willing participant in my first bold celebrity career move but, unfortunately, she has used a bat and her fists to painfully, repeatedly, and mercilessly decline my offer. Not to be defeated, with a bit of careful editing, low-quality night vision, and proper costumes, I feel confident that I can play myself, as well as a Dominican prostitute whom I will call "Dinorah." Lights!

2) Get on a reality television show.

Starring on a reality show is the next step in this process. Television producers see your accidentally-leaked sex-tape on TMZ and develop a reality show around your special abilities. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have any special abilities. I'm not pretty like Lauren Conrad or have asymmetrical boobs like Audrina Patridge. My abs aren't as developed as the Sitch's and I can't turn my skin Valencia orange no matter how much self-tanner I apply. I'm not a cop, bounty hunter, or Steven Seagal. I can't sing, dance, or direct independent films. I don't own a pawn shop, bike shop, sex shop, or a tattoo parlor. I can't design clothes and I can't stand it when a German super-model says "auf wiedersehen." I can't "sassy walk," do "Miss America circles," "flirt with the judges," or do "cupcake hands."  I'm not a pregnant teenager or getting a jet for my sixteenth birthday. I'm not a little person in a big world but I did have a tenth-grade biology teacher named Mr. Tiny. Hmmm... This could take some work...

3) Make my name sound cool.

Once I get all of the reality show details worked out, the next step is to make my name sound cool. The best way to make your name sound cool is to shorten it. All the top celebrities are doing it. For example, Scar-Jo, Li-Lo, and J-Lo are really Scarlett Johansson, Lindsay Lohan, and Jennifer Lopez. Some lesser-known celeb shortenings: C-Man, J-Dahms, and D-Rat are really Charles Manson, Jeffry Dahmer, and Dan Rather. Unfortunately, my shortened name doesn't quite have the celeb ring to it: Ro-Lo. Although I am sweet like caramel and milk-chocolate, I don't want anyone to yell that at me while I'm on the bus.

4) Do something with a fragrance.

By 'do something with a fragrance' I don't mean that I'll play around with things that smell, but that I'll hire a chemist and actually produce, market, and retail an actual fragrance, or join forces with a well-known fragrance developer. All the celebrities are creating or endorsing a fragrance to help keep them in the loop. Right now, I'm enjoying the richly intoxicating scent of super-celebrity Britney Spears' latest fragrance called Believe. It's a cross between "exotic florals," "seductive amber," and "barefoot at the Chevron." She also has another fragrance called Fantasy Circus (in conjunction with her Sci-Fi Circus line) which has hints of "creamy musk," "raspberry zest," and "Starbucks." I'm also a fan of Kim Kardashian's new fragrance called Kim Kardashian. This rich scent for women contains "crisp notes of mandarin," "vanilla orchids," and something called "Ray J." Rumor has it that Kim's sister Khloe is working on a perfume called Patterson-Gimlin which has blurred images of "pine," "urea," and "scat."

It seems as though I'll have a difficult time making it as a celebrity since I lack any requisite skills. Even some of the lesser-talented celebrities I mentioned above have some degree of talent, or at the very least, they're easy on the eyes (I don't look that great either--especially in HD). Or some are such an unbelievable disaster that you can't look away, like when you see a diner boisterously abusing a server, a server placing biological detritus in a diner's beverage, or Snooki getting punched in the face by a dude. If only I could think of something to do that involves little or no talent, anonymity, and using a computer at three in the morning...


Foraging for a new fragrance.