1) My safety.
Yes, I did think of something that no one else has ever thought of and that must surely mean that evil groups such as terrorists or super-secret government agencies will abduct me and torture me until they have what I have. While I can assure you that my idea, once fully realized, will reshape humanity from a fractured mess of multicultural political hysteria into a more serene and equitable landscape (think Europe of the Middle Ages or the current state of Israel) my safety will remain a top priority.
2) My bodyguards' safety.
Given that I must, for the sake of humanity, devote all of my time to making this idea become a reality, I am left with no time to focus on my safety (which is your first concern). Given these time constraints I must therefore employ a team of highly skilled personal 'protectors' to shadow my every move. Rest assured, however, that my team of ex-professional soldiers (both foreign and domestic) have put their best feet forward in all parts of the world, most recently protecting the interests of a small, family operated oilfield technologies company in the Middle East. Needless to say, we all feel very safe. I do, however, worry about the safety of encroaching civilians...
3) How much will this idea cost you?
Now that you no longer fear for my safety (a daily regimen of tactical training, high risk logistics, and crisis management on or above the Bagram Air Base in Charikar, Afghanistan ought to make everyone feel safe) you are free to wonder how much I will charge the world for this idea. The simple answer is nothing. That's right, I give this gift freely to all who will listen (or read). I realize that giving away something so important for free, especially in this political climate, might make me seem un-American, Socialist, or perhaps even Communist-like. Allow me to dispel those thoughts by singing every word to our National Anthem appropriately titled 'Stars and Stripes are Beautiful.'
4) I am not a Communist.
Even though I may not know all of our National Anthem's lyrics (or title) I'd like to point out that neither do some of our nation's greatest patriots. Everyone from Roseanne Barr (Jewish) to Michael Bolton (Russian Jew) to Robert Goulet (Canadian) and Christina Aguilera (Mexican) have botched this great song, no doubt succumbing to the heavy pressure of American nationalism and Budweiser.
Now that I've helped allay your fears regarding this endeavor, I am ready to explain my wonderful and original idea. Let me first say that, at this moment, I feel much the same as Val Kilmer's character Simon Templar from the 1997 Phillip Noyce spy thriller The Saint. As you all know, the Russian mob has stolen Dr. Emma Russell's plans for cold fusion and wants to ransom it to the highest bidder. As an aside, the role of Dr. Russell is played by Elisabeth Shue, perhaps best known for her work in the film City of Angles as 'Pregnant Woman' (uncredited). Anyway, in an unexpected turn of events, Templar and Russell stop the sale, vanquish the bad guys, and set up an impromptu cold fusion demonstration in Red Square. Needless to say, both Templar and Russell are of one mind concerning cold fusion: it's so good it should be free.
Well, I think it's time to reveal the first original idea since I don't know when. Here goes: (gulp) I plan to cook every recipe in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking over the next 365 days and blog about it. I repeat: I plan to cook every recipe in Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking over the next 365 days and blog about it. Let that sink in... That's a whopping 524 different recipes over 365 days. I know, I know, there are more recipes than days but I believe I can do it. I have to do it. My journey will be long and full of suffering but my inevitable victory will serve as a reminder to the people of Liberia, Somalia, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo that their problems pale in comparison to mine. And that if I can overcome this--this--they can surely overcome their petty and ridiculous problems if they would only put their minds to it.
Welcome to Abandoned Shopping Cart.
Post Edit (2/14/2011)
Many of you have mentioned that last week's post (see above) detailing my original idea was anything but. After doing some quick web research I found that you were, indeed, correct. The deed has been done to the Julia Child cookbook and then blogged about in what can only be described as a cathartic and meaningful exercise for the betterment of man. In the spirit of honesty that permeates blogs specifically and the Internet in general, I must say that some of you sounded rather pleased with my failure. Those that know me understand how loathe I am to one-up someone, but to the group of fools that are currently savoring my schadenfreude let me tell you something about my original idea: they made a movie about it!
| Julia Child and friends. |
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