Protecting Our Children One Bill at a Time

I'm like most Americans in that I believe that our children are an important resource. When I say 'resource' I don't mean in a Swiftian sense (this isn't Ireland) or that, like most resources, we discard them when we're finished using them like an Aquafina bottle or a Prius battery. Children as a resource merely means that children will help ensure the American Dream for future generations. Now, I can't help you define the American Dream since that's relative to the American, but certainly every American Dream contains several of the same features. These features might include a 10,000 square foot house (with a moat) on 20 landscaped acres (with an airport) for a family of three, or a car that, because of its sheer size, needs more than six tires. Whether or not we can all agree on what constitutes the American Dream, I'm quite sure we can agree that children, as an integral part of the Dream, need protecting. But protection from what?

Quite simply: alcohol. That's right: alcohol. Let me spell it to emphasize its danger. A-l-c-h- ...Wait... Let me try that again. A-l-c-o-h-o-l. Funny, I thought the Red Bull would counteract the vodka. Anyway, the evil people that produce, market, and retail alcoholic beverages are after our children. At least that's what the Utah State Legislature believes. And from listening to their arguments, I believe they're right.

Currently, our legislature has several people acting as champions of the children. Senator Chris Buttars, R-South Jordan, Senator Curt Bramble, R-Provo, Senate President Michael G. Waddoups, R-Taylorsville and Senator John L. Valentine, R-Orem, to name just a few. Together, these State Senators (SS for short) are doing more to protect our children than UNICEF, McGruff the Crime Dog, and the Ronald McDonald House combined.

Bramble, with the help of Buttars, claimed the first victory against the spirited forces of evil in 2008 with Senate Bill 211. This bill did away with a real children's favorite from the adult beverage world known as "alcopops." I had no idea what, exactly, an alcopop was until I asked a fourth grader, since no adults knew what the hell I was talking about. I've since been educated on the matter. Alcopops are those really yummy alcoholic beverages that taste like Kool-Aid and are packaged to look exactly like a comic book cover or wrapping paper. This carefully developed packaging drives any child that sees it into a Christmas morning of berserker-like consumption right there in the beverage aisle. It looks as though Buttars was right when he said on The Senate Site that "selling or promoting alcopops in retail stores represents nothing less than an insidious ploy to introduce our kids to the liquor industry and their products."

Currently, the SS are battling the forces of evil with a new piece of legislation. Senate Bill 12, sponsored by Valentine, and rigorously defended by Waddoups from claims such as "Draconian," "unreasonable," and "retarded," is up for vote during this legislative session. The bill is titled "Alcoholic Beverage Control Act - Modifications" but I believe a more appropriate title would be "Protecting the Children from Evil." According to the SS, once again, our greatest resource is in imminent danger from the mind-controlling likes of Clydesdale horses, that super-interesting Mexican guy and Sammy Hagar.

Once SB12 passes, new restaurants and dining clubs will face something the alcohol lovers call the "Zion Curtain," which, I believe, is a reference to a local bank. According to SB12, all alcoholic beverages will be sequestered behind a wall large enough to prevent any children from ever knowing that alcohol even exists. I would assume that this will also work for adults with an IQ equal to or less than a house plant. Maybe. At any rate, alcohol won't be the only thing kept behind the Zion Curtain if this new legislation passes: say goodbye to bartenders as well.

I'm of two minds when it comes to this bartender stuff. My first mind thinks that putting Tom Cruise behind a wall is a bad idea (remember how much we hated that Vanilla Sky mask!). As far as the food service industry goes, the more visible the people are that make your food (or drinks) the better. Giving the Tyler Durdens of the world a secret stage might be a bad idea. My second mind thinks that the bartender is a pawn in the game known as chess. That's not right. I mean the game known as "make young children alcoholics." In this game the bartender is just another means of passing a corrupting influence to our youth. Given the serious role that bartenders play in this, I might suggest that merely sequestering them behind some wall, or curtain, or whatever, isn't enough. Perhaps we can amend SB12 to have any known bartenders put into stocks or boiled to death or whipped or pressed to death or made to wear the drunkard's cloak? Surely SB12 shall be limitless in its reform!

With alcopops gone and the Zion Curtain about to be closed, we can sleep peacefully knowing how hard our legislators have worked to ensure the safety of our children. But Waddoups isn't done yet. In 2009 he gave us a hint about the direction of future legislation. According to The Salt Lake Tribune, Waddoups claimed that upon entering the popular American chain restaurant Chili's "any lay citizen would go in and say, 'This is a bar.'" Alas, you have a keen eye, Senator! When I enter a Chili's I only see all the crap nailed everywhere. But this very response is the reason why I'm not a state senator. When I see a possible bad influence on children, I instruct them regarding the possible consequences of succumbing to that influence. When the SS sees a possible bad influence they use their power to make it disappear. I'm not complaining. After all, the more they legislate, the less I have to do.

The effects of alcohol on a 12-year-old girl.