Oscar Mayer Weiner

Many of you have been diligently checking this blog every Friday wondering where the hell I ran off to for the past month. The simple answer is I've been on hiatus. That's right. Hiatus. Consider this blog much the same as a television series. A network orders a certain amount of programs which run for a select amount of time and when that's finished, nearly everyone associated with the series goes on hiatus until next season. Since I am the sole creator of this series, and have no network chumps pressuring me into creating anything new, I go on hiatus whenever the f*** I feel like it. Reread the older posts if you're bored.

Many of you may be wondering what I do while I'm on hiatus. Well, let me take this opportunity to inform all of you fine people from all over the world that it's none of your damn business. But seriously, I watch television, see movies, read books, and enjoy adult beverages every weekend while playing "tiles" with my peeps. I also work and maybe do some other stuff as well. Satisfied? Good.

The real question you may be asking is why didn't I remain on hiatus longer than just a month? The answer is simple: the length of my hiatus is directly related to the amount of stupid shit happening in the world. In other words: the more stupid shit people do, the more I have to write about. The person you have to thank the most for my brief respite is none other than New York Democratic Congressman Anthony D. Weiner.

If this is your first time hearing about Weiner's issue, and you're of voting age, then you're either stupid or Amish and the Amish have an excuse. Most of you that have heard of Weiner's hard times know that his name is pronounced exactly as is appropriate for this rather sticky, sensitive,  and girthsome situation. If you still think Weiner's name is pronounced like wine-er, then perhaps this description from a Reuters article will help you out: "Weiner's name ... doubles as American schoolboy slang for the word penis." Obviously the good folks over at Reuters have no idea that the word wiener ranks far below "Captain Winky" but just ahead of "The Midget" on the penis-derivations hierarchy.

Let's get back to the case at hand, shall we? On May 28th, Weiner committed the biggest boner of his career by accidentally posting a picture of his wiener on his Twitter account (flaccid). He removed it once he realized what had happened but the damage had already been done (mild arousal). Weiner later claimed that his twitter account was hacked and that it was probably just a harmless prank because of his unfortunate name (engorging). But the intense scrutiny regarding the unfortunate posting continued, finally causing Weiner to admit that he did in fact post a picture of his penis (fully engorged). Weiner claims that he panicked and created the phony hacking story to cover his tracks (solid rhythm). It turns out that those tracks led to multiple women with various pictures of Weiner at different stages of undress (ascendancy!). Finally, Weinergate shrivels during his resignation press conference earlier this week when a heckler shouted: "The American people want to know: are you longer than seven inches?" We've all seen the pictures -- he's not.

So what's to become of Weiner now? Well, once everyone forgets about his past political accomplishments he'll be reclassified into a new of group of people. This new group won't be as politically powerful as the politicos he used to run around with, but it will certainly be more appropriate for a man of his infamy. Goodbye, Barack Obama and Arianna Huffington, and hello to everyone else that has ever shown their junk in pubic, I mean public.

This all could've been prevented if Weiner had only known the right people. And by "right people" I mean those ultra-talented individuals that can show their goodies and make it really seem like an accident. People like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and any female with the last name Kardashian. That group of women has not only dragged feminist theory kicking and screaming into the eighteenth century, but taken uncrossing your legs without underwear to a height only Sharon Stone could appreciate. With a little help, Weiner could've learned that celebrity gossip sites will take and post pictures for you, rather than have you make up a ridiculous excuse. Weiner only needed to sunbathe naked like Brad Pitt, play the bongos naked like Matthew McConaughey, or sext pictures of his wang to a sideline reporter like Brett Favre ... Well, maybe not like Favre. Athletes don't carry the same weight as politicians -- especially when they lose.

I guess it could have been worse for Weiner. He could have spent most of his political career spewing the conservative company line about gays being sinners because of a single sentence in Leviticus, and then been caught in the closet just like Mark Foley, Larry Craig, Ed Shrock, and Ted Haggard, to name just a few. I'm certainly not condoning Weiner's actions, but they do seem to have less cognitive dissonance than a man that secures votes on an anti-gay/family-values platform only to be caught instant messaging underage boys about penises. But this is American politics, after all. What else should we expect?

This is how we do it!