There are other job openings as well: just this week, for instance, McDonald's expanded its workforce by offering 50,000 new openings in various restaurants across the country. While this act makes McDonald's look like the Jesus of multi-national corporations when compared to Monsanto, Pfizer, and Coca Cola, the low starting pay would keep even Mike Rowe away. It could be worse, however: I hear that there are still plenty of openings for armpit sniffer, turd burner, and livestock masturbator.
It seems like all the really cool jobs never have any openings, and if they do, you need to know someone on the inside to even score an interview. Or worse, you find yourself under-qualified for a job you were perfect for, or over-qualified for a job you didn't want in the first place. Or, perhaps you didn't get any of the jobs that your stepfather (or dad) wanted you to get because you wore a tuxedo and farted during the interview. Whatever the case may be, failing to get a job you want is heartbreaking, and even worse, watching someone incompetent land an important job is frustrating.
Take the most important job ever: President of the United States of America. There have been 44 presidents since 1789, some more effective than others. An effective president must embrace special interest groups, kowtow to campaign contributors, and keep all extramarital affairs secret until the biography. They must also do presidential stuff like wear suits, make speeches, and somehow manage not to fulfill a single campaign promise. With all that in mind, the stuff that constitutes a good/bad president seems to be subjective to party affiliation and most important, their alma mater.
It just so happens that talking about presidents and stuff is timely since party nominations are on the horizon. President Obama will most likely be the front runner for the Democrats, but the Republican nomination is anyone's guess. Right now, Republican buzz centers on Romney, Huckabee, and possibly Trump and Palin. On Facebook I joked that Palin, Trump, and Romney are a Republican political vacuum, which earned zero comments and only one "like." Conversely, an earlier comment regarding the demise of daytime television received seven comments and two "likes" which obviously means that America values Susan Lucci more than the GOP. It also means that we need a candidate more capable, likable, and exciting than any of our current options.
Of course finding a candidate that embodies these characteristics is difficult. Take current GOP front runner Mitt Romney. Romney seems capable enough since he implemented health care in Massachusetts so universal it makes Obama's health care plan look Republican. But let's not focus on something so ridiculous as accomplishments -- this is politics, after all -- but on what really demonstrates political aptitude: the title of your book.
In No Apology: The Case for American Greatness, Romney details this, that, and the other. I really wouldn't know because I haven't read it, but the title implies that America doesn't need to apologize to other nations for things like Iraq, the Kyoto protocol, and dropping the bomb. It may also imply that America shouldn't have apologized to its own citizens like Native-, Japanese-, and African-Americans for the unnecessary harm they were caused, or that there will be no apology for things like Fred Phelps, Joseph McCarthy, and Dina Lohan. America is great, even while committing atrocities.
It seems as though Mitt's book title falls a bit short in the political aptitude category (or a bit long in the pride category, whatever you prefer) but can he make up the difference in the likability category? Well, as many of you have already experienced, there is really only one method of determining likability with any kind of scientific accuracy: Facebook. According to Facebook, between Romney's own page and the unofficial pages spawned by his followers, er, supporters, he totals right around 8.5 million "likes." By comparison, Obama leads the "likes" category with 19.4 million.
That only leaves the excitability category, which has George W. Bush doing blow and murdering prostitutes for a benchmark. Unfortunately, Romney reaches his limit of excitability by skipping church once a year, seeing a PG-13 movie, or drinking an apple beer. I'm quite certain that we will never find a video on Youtube titled "Mitt Romney punches a cop" or "Mitt Romney loses his shit" or "Mitt Romney really f***** up that pimp." He's just not that type of guy. Perhaps the country needs someone that's not afraid to punch a cop if said cop gets mouthy during a traffic stop. Maybe the occasional shit-losing would be for the betterment of this great nation. What if the President of the United States actually f***** up a pimp or two every now and then? If you like that, you'll love De Niro for President.
It's not that far fetched of an idea (Donald Trump, anyone?) considering the absolute circus (Sarah Palin, anyone?) campaigning, and politics in general have become, or has everyone already forgot about Ronald Reagan? He was an actor and then held some lowly government job in California before becoming president. And Reagan only had charisma on his side. De Niro brings another dimension to the role. But we don't want average, everyday De Niro for President; we want Goodfellas and Casino De Niro. We want Raging Bull and Mean Streets De Niro. We certainly don't want any of the Meet the Fockers De Niro or the Awakenings or the Marvin's Room De Niro. And, please, whatever you do, don't give us This Boy's Life or Frankenstein De Niro. Only the Oscar worthy stuff, thank you very much.
Some of you may still be skeptical, as if this isn't a serious proposal. Well, what would you think if I suggested Joe Pesci as Vice President? Sound any better? I thought so. Talk about bringing more depth to a role. Sorry, Biden, but you are clearly out-toughed on this one (not like out-toughing Biden is difficult). But only if we get Goodfellas and Raging Bull Pesci. Or perhaps A Bronx Tale or My Cousin Vinny Pesci. Any of the Home Alone or Lethal Weapon Pescis need not apply.
Can you imagine how much political type stuff would get done in this country if every politician was afraid that the Vice President would call them a little girl while stabbing them in the neck with a ballpoint pen? What would become of the pundits once they realized that the Vice President not only put people's heads in a vise, but was also an outstanding trial lawyer? What would happen when the President threw his first right hook to the body of one of his opponents? Or survived a car bomb? Or life on the streets? Or pulled double duty as a terrorist/duct repair man? Could you imagine a government shutdown with these two in office? Uh uh. No way.
I think the only legitimate problem we'd face with a De Niro/Pesci ticket would be getting them out of office once their term ended. You'd need to strip Pesci down to his tighty whities and beat him with an aluminium baseball bat in a corn field before he would leave. De Niro would leave only if Al Pacino shot him. Unfortunately, we won't have to worry about De Niro and Pesci leaving office because they aren't running, and probably never will. After all, why would they involve themselves in a job that lacks integrity, compassion, and fairness? And these guys work in Hollywood ...
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| The beginning stages of vomit circularity brought on by thinking about American politics. |
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